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1st April 2005

9:24am: My latest project was the one that took me to Iceland for a bit, a film for HBO and BBC1 called The Girl in the Cafe. It’s directed by David Yates, which is nice because I worked with him on "State of Play." I play the love interest of Bill Nighy, which is fabulous since I’m in love with him off screen as well, yes, it’s true. Who could ask for a better leading man? Sadly, he doesn’t return my affections and is quite taken, but I won’t be deterred. Life just keeps bringing us back togetherCollapse ) Don't we make a handsome couple? He also had a part in “State of Play,” and now we’re playing lovers. It’s kismet, I tell you.

It’s very hard to think of something original to say. Perhaps that’s why 6 weeks goes by so fast, when you’re thumbing over words and phrases and ideas that you’ve said before or have heard others say before. I feel like I’ve gone through that before, but the degrees vary, I suppose. It’s the ultimate writer’s block, when you just stare at a blank page that’s supposed to say things about your life. I wonder if it means I started trying too hard, to always be imaginative or witty or poetic, and just gave up when I could prove to be none of those things. I don’t know why I find it so difficult just to talk about simple, ordinary things. Sometimes those are the nicest to read about.

I’ve been trying to give up smoking lately. I didn’t smoke for a long time and then I did a film with Johnny Depp and you know how that story always ends. I’ve been doing pretty good, actually, I’m not into gum or patches, and it’s not driving me crazy like I thought it would. I never really am a terribly heavy smoker, but it’s a difference in my routine and it’s bound to cause some ripples. Luckily it’s only on my mind when I’m observing it or smelling smoke or drinking coffee, because in my opinion, the two just go together.

It's kind of amusing for me because I'm really not doing it for my health (though that's a huge benefit) or for any other very practical reason, but it's Spring, or almost, and it just feels like time for a slight change. Sometimes it kind of fun to kick a habit just to prove you can. Addictions are tricky things, but it's quite liberating to stomp your foot down on one and say, "My willpower is stronger than this." Sometimes it's really nice to have that reminder.
Current Mood: optimistic

Not real at all

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27th March 2005

9:26pm: [ ]
I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet, give me a couple days and I'll toss myself back into action.
Current Mood: blank

Not real at all

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16th February 2005

12:33am: It seems like when we're children, we never want to grow up to lead ordinary lives. Why would we? You see a choice between being stuck in a suit behind a desk and being a superhero on the telly, and really, it's doesn't take a genius to see which is more appealing to a child. It's interesting to me that I always tended to want more when I was growing up, I wanted life to be more exciting and adventurous, I wanted fairy tales and exhilerating twists, and I got a whirlwind of a life, but as I've gotten older, the desire for adventure has diminished a bit. I act for a living, which is never very standard, but I've fallen into a fairly normal lifestyle without even realising it, and I don't feel like resisting it. I stay in London pretty primarily because I haven't had a lengthy project that's taken me far from home for awhile, and my days aren't strenuous or long because of the things I've been working on. I get up in the morning, have my coffee and stare out the window for a bit while my mind wakes up, I head to work, I come home in the evening or night and make dinner, cuddle with my cat, watch some telly or read a book or talk on the phone to a friend, and go to bed. I do sparse grocery shopping on days off, I sit at the park when it's not too cold and the sun might show itself and busy myself in reading or writing or working on lines, I go out on weekends sometimes with friends or cast mates and have a good time. I stepped back a couple weeks ago and noticed how very bland and ordinary my life has gotten, but I'm not so upset about that. I think for awhile I was even jealous of those with drama in their lives, and then I had a bit of my own and it scared me off. It seems like the price of an exciting life is too costly these days and I'd rather not partake in what I've been seeing around me. I would resent it if anyone tried to tell me I couldn't be happy long like this because I think the only kind of people who might say that are those who can't slow down long enough to obtain happiness themselves. I like slow and I am quite happy with ordinary. We aren't without desires and I'm not saying that I am, but if given the choice between constant turmoil and a handful of days spent with no signs of adventure, I'm pretty confident in where my decision would fall.

Maybe a main difference is I'm being more realistic with myself. That whole problem between "this is what I want" and "this is what I can have" has always befuddled me a little, but it's not so hard to keep things in perspective, I've found, and I'm really okay with the "things I can have" category lately. It's not about throwing in the towel on dreams of intrigue and adventure, it's more about realising that things can be equally nice just sitting at home in an easy chair, listening to the rain against my windows, doing nothing in particular exciting. I'm really not a terribly exiciting person, despite what some have tried to get out of me, and this seems to suit me.

I'm turning 29 in...8 days and again I'm struck at just how different life has turned out for me from what I expected and wanted when I was younger. Sometimes I wonder if that happens to everyone. To a degree it must, because I can't imagine someone living a life that's completely fulfilling their expectations. I really never thought I'd be in this business, despite what I'd dreamed; my expectations were that I'd more than likely be a waitress with a family in Scotland or sommat. It's crazy sometimes when I think of how life turned out. How it's turning out. I hate saying things in a past tense like "how life turned out" as I'm not even 30 yet and life can change in the blink of an eye. I keep blinking and I'm surprisingly happy with finding very little change.
Current Mood: content

Not real at all

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14th December 2004

5:46am: I will have an update of substance coming up, but I generally like bandwagons, so I'm jumping on this oneCollapse )
Current Mood: middle of December frazzled

Not real at all

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2nd December 2004

4:14am: When I looked at a calendar I was a bit shocked to see that it’s December. It’s impossible not to know it’s coming up, but I guess I didn’t realise just how close it had been. When I’m filming, I tend to live by my schedule and pay little attention to the actual day of the week or of the month. I had a brief period of panic in realising I’d so far only bought one Christmas present, that being a pair of slippers for my friend Sarah, and now I only have 23 more days until Christmas, less because I never shop the day before it. I sound like some frazzled perfectionist on gift buying, but I’m really not, I just like time to prepare and plan. I think this time of year has the ability to set even the most easy going of us into a slight panic.

Another thing I noticed when I saw the date yesterday was December 1st was that I’ve been here two years. Good god, that seems like a long time when I really think about it. I feel old. It’s kind of nice to know I’ve lasted that long too, it makes me feel strong, because I’ve almost almost thrown in the towel a few times. And the only person who’s still around that I’m still friends with since the very start is Jonny (Lee Miller), so that obviously means I love him the most and the rest of you are just second best. I thought about writing some sentimental thing, but I don’t think I have it in me right now, so here’s some stats.

Date created: 2002-12-01 23:55:12
Journal entries: 131
Comments: Posted: 1,331 - Received: 1,318

Damn, I must say I’m not a bad commenter in my own journal. Good job, me.

It’s hard to know when something is really truly over. I’ve never been good at deciphering it and I’ve never been good at asking for the answer straight out. That falls into the category of confrontation, which is an area I avoid like the plague. So, as deeply as it can cut, I am grateful when someone will tell me something straightforward. No mind games, no grey areas, just an answer. In all my relationships, I’ve always been far more hurt by something not being said than the truth just coming out. There are times when I’m less ready to hear it, but now is not one of them and I’m glad things have been put out on the table. It almost feels like a weight has been removed off my chest and replaced with a stinging that’s far more bearable. I don’t know why it took so long to get to this point, but it’s something I know will fade, and when I’m there, everything will be just brilliant.

I adore Tim Wheeler very very much, he let me hop on a tour bus as a short break from filming. Long nights spent with loud music and possibly maybe a little drug use, but I’m not admitting to anything, it’s just a when in Rome situation. Tim tends to always make me feel like I’m 17 again, anyone with that ability is wonderful in my book, but even without that ability he’d still be wonderful. Thank you love. :-*

I have no idea but a strong inkling that Finding Neverland is out just about everywhere, so go see it, and for god’s sake, bring your tissue.
Current Mood: working

Not real at all

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18th November 2004

2:16am: All that I am is all I can give, but with or without you my life I must live
I saw something recently that talked about character and how it’s gained, how it’s not something gained merely from experiences and wrong decisions, but from regretting those mistakes, accepting you’re wrong and moving past it. Feeling regret, essentially. It got me thinking about the last sentence of my last entry. I’ve had many times of just wanting to wipe the slate clean, forgetting and starting over, but what, really, is gained from that? We’re a combination of personality and what our experiences have made us. Every action and decision, good or bad, is a part of us. This applies to relationships too... the very depth of a connection lies in the experiences gone through together. Why would I want to erase something that’s built up a part of me, I wonder. I’ve been unable to move past things for a month or so now while others are far past it, but I feel like I’m finally okay with moving past it, accepting that I regret, and letting you know that I’m so sorry, but I think everything will be okay now.

Filming has been going well, I’m really fascinated with the way things are coming along and anxious to see what comes from it. With an adaptation of what’s been called “the most unfilmable book ever,” I’m impressed with Michael and his decision to go ahead and try it. It seems like it’ll be slightly in the style of Adaptation in that it’s a film within a film about the filmmaker making the film. One of those that will be either unique and wonderful or a complete disaster, but either way I’m enjoying working on it. Jeremy Northam and I have been chumming around again; I have such a crush on that bloke, he’s just gorgeous. I try to keep him out of mischief but he just ends up pulling me into it. That’s another great thing about this film, I’ve worked with about half the cast before of all different projects, and we’re all fairly comfortable with each other and have a good time going out on the piss after shooting.

Nevertheless, I’m taking a long weekend that feels needed to tag along on tour with Tim towards the end of the month. I spent about a month on tour last year with him when we were dating and it was probably the best month I’d had in a long time. I never really tagged along with Dougie when he would go off on tour, so the experience is fresh and exciting still. All the touring musicians will think I’m crazy, but I love the living on a bus, crammed together, seeing all the sights and all that. Plus, it helps a lot that I love the members of Ash; I only hope they don’t mind me being there too much. I’ll be joining them for the journey over to Glasgow, and once I informed mum I’d be stopping by she was overjoyed and insisted Tim come along as well. He’s the only one of my (recent) boyfriends that’s come home to meet my mum and I think she adores him for it, plus she just adores him in general. She tried to insist I stay longer but I can only get away from filming for so long and if I could get away for longer I’d probably try to join Tim for longer. :-[ I’m looking forward to good, clean, wholesome fun cough and seeing my darling again, it seems like it’s been far too long.

I went and added all the cast I knew from Phantom of the Opera today because I’m a silly little fangirl like that. I actually squealed the long while ago when I saw the preview for it. When my childhood friend Sarah and I were little we were into it and would dance around the house, singing and acting out the parts, but I always had to be either the Phantom or Raoul because I was the tomboy-ish one. :-[
Current Mood: energetic

Not real at all

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28th October 2004

9:02pm: I'm jaded, stupid, and reckless
Some years ago, I took a survey/quiz out of boredom and one of the questions was, “If you had to choose, would you rather be forgotten or hated?” This was a no-brainer for me, I didn’t even have to think about it. As far back as I can remember I’ve had a fear of being hated. I didn’t fake being nice or anything to avoid hatred, but I would constant hang back to avoid drawing attention to myself in fear that some attention would be dislike. I’m painfully self conscious, to the point where it’s amazing I’m even an actress. I don’t really know what about it scares me so much, I don’t know what I expect will happen. It’s not even that I’m afraid to be left alone, it’s the thoughts that cross people’s minds about me that scare me.

I’m fairly comfortable with being forgotten, depending on the circumstances. I’ve never been keen on a lot of attention on me, which translates over to the screen where I much prefer side roles to leading roles. I’m happy with being low profile and not top billing, I really don’t need exposure and sometimes it makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong when people seem adamant about my doing bigger things. Being forgotten about isn’t as bad as a lot of other things to me.

So, I lied and my stay in LA wasn’t long at all. I was there for a bit to do an Alias episode with </a></b></a>jengarner_, who I can’t believe I didn’t have added until now, she’s the cutest thing ever. Next I’m working with Michael Winterbottom on a film called Tristram Shandy with almost one person from every film I’ve ever been in. Honestly, it’s uncanny sometimes how they group us together. I’ll be back in the UK for that for awhile.

I’ve felt more discouraged and heartsick than ever lately, sometimes I can trace where it comes from and sometimes I can’t. I feel like I should explaining myself more, but I just don’t even want to talk about it. I wish I could start over, but unfortunately life is life and there’s no way to erase what you’ve been through from mind and memory.

I promise this won’t be badCollapse )
Current Mood: disheartened

Not real at all

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18th October 2004

2:06pm: sleep has left me alone to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
I meant to write something here in what seemed like a week ago, but seeing as my last entry was a little over a week ago, I guess I wasn't as behind as I thought. It feels as though I haven't updated in a month, but that's luckily not the case. I meant to talk about going on the piss with Kate (W) last week, which was the absolute high point. She's truly the best friend I've ever had; we can be busy with our schedules and not see each other for awhile, and she's right there when I need her. I may have gotten atrociously drunk with her, which is never a pretty sight on me, but she didn't (seem to) mind at all, bless her. The rest of my week was spent eating chocolate. Nothing else, just sitting on the couch eating chocolate. Well, not really, but my chocolate consumption was definitely higher than average.

I've gone through a couple different moods similar to that of a break up. With a very standard break up (though, is there such a thing?), I go through the heartbroken, sobby phase first, and when it's ran its course, the bitter, angry phase rears its ugly head. After that it's touch and go, but I'm generally okay. The angry phase doesn't last long usually because I'm not an angry person, I don't do angry well. I've never been one to hold a grudge and I hate the feeling of holding onto something like fury. If I'm holding a grudge about something, it's probably pretty serious because the little things tend to slip by rather quickly. I have no idea how these "phases" are supposed to work when there's nothing to break up from, but all I know is that my bitter phase lasted longer than I'd have liked it to. I was just about furious out of my mind for a few days, but it's gone now and I'm fine. Not everything is at peace, but I'm not expecting it to be.

I left London early this morning and I'm now officially in LA for an extended period of time that could and may last until before the holidays. I never, ever thought I'd look so forward to going to stay in LA, but here it is and I'm happy for a change of scenery. I feel like I need time to breathe and think and dream. Ideally, LA would not be the destination for these goals, but that's where work kicks in and tells me where to go. I’m being a high maintenance actress in that I’m insisting on bringing my cat with me. Todge stays with my friends while I make short trips--she enjoys her flirting time with my friend’s boy cat--but the thought of being away from her for more than a month makes me weepy. What can I say, she’s my wee baby. Sometimes I can’t even sleep if she’s not nestled against me. At the times I feel I have no one in the world (and everyone has those), I know I have her and that she needs me. It’s really nice to be needed by someone. I may seem like one of those crazy pet owners who obsess over their cat, but keep in mind, I’ve never had a child and my maternal instincts are strong, so it’s only normal they should be transfer to her.

I had Jonathan over for lunch on Saturday; I think initially we were going to go out to coffee (and tea) someplace, but he’s been out and about so much lately that I offered we should stay in and I’d make him lunch. In light of recent events that involve haggis, I set out to make some Scottish cuisine that could make him change his mind about my country’s food. I even had him help so he’d know just what was in everything. That bloke has no flare in the kitchen, at all. It’d almost be sad if it wasn’t so cute. I’m very charmed by men who can’t cook for shite. Maybe it goes back to that needing me thing. We finished up with a walk and some sitting in the grass. We only talked about heavy matters a little, not enough to dampen the mood, I think. He had to rush off then to attend to other engagements and it’s unclear when I’ll see him next. I watched him leave from the window next to my door and couldn’t help but feel overwhelmingly sad.

There was a charity premiere for Finding Neverland last night in which Kate and I finally got our picture taken together. This icon is just about my favourite now. The whole event was a good time and I had a spectacular bra that gave the impression that I have cleavage. Either that or I’m pregnant. Haha. I didn’t go to sleep after the event but continued getting ready and left early this morning. My body is so confused about any concept of time right now and what sounds lovely is lounging on a hotel bed with my cat, falling asleep to some film I’ll find on the telly. Oh, and on a side note, I was having some glitches with my email and I think I missed something from someone, so if that's you, please resend.
Current Mood: exhausted

Not real at all

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5th October 2004

5:26pm: It's my lovely Kate's birthday. Kate, you're beautiful, talented, smart and truly one of the best friends I've ever had; I hope you know how much you mean to me and I hope your birthday's wonderful. At some point I'd like to pop by to give you a pressie or two whenever you're not busy with the family. I love you, you deserve the very best. :-*

Not real at all

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30th September 2004

9:27pm: I never do one liners, or three liners for that matter
Whoever bought me a paid account, thank you so much. :-[ You should tell me who you are so I can give you a proper thank you. :-* You're wonderful!
Current Mood: grateful

Not real at all

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29th September 2004

8:04am: I just had to be listening to this song
I don’t know if the horrid heat of summer wore me out, but I love the days when it rains. Granted, this is quite often, but it makes me almost giddy. That’s the wrong word for it completely, but I’m at a loss right now. Maybe at peace. That’s the wrong description too. Ah well, I know what I mean. I don’t know if this is a common thing, but it brings me a sense of nostalgia of childhood which is odd because rain isn’t something selective to childhood, it’s something I’ve known all my life, but it’s there nonetheless. Maybe rain in the fall reminds me of being a wee girl and curling up with my mum under a blanket with some hot tea. That sounds like the storybook image of a perfect childhood, but it’s what I really did and I recommend it to anyone, it’s a soothing practice. If I have the time and inclination, I’ll do it now minus the mum and preferably with coffee or cocoa instead of tea. I like it when everything is quiet and all I can hear is the soft rain hitting the windows.

Unfortunately, just when I’m enjoying London, it seems I’ll have to be up and leaving for the States soon for an undecided period of time. LA will be my ultimate destination, so I won’t see rain for weeks. I’m not very fond of LA weather, thought it’s been awhile since I was there in fall/winter so that could change.

I don’t mean to be so dull that I resort to talking about weather, but I seem to be having a problem with saying what’s on my mind lately. I don’t know what this ‘lately’ thing is though, perhaps I always do. I feel like I’ve been distant and I don’t know why that is. I can say it’s a mood, but it’s probably not. I haven’t been talking to people much lately because conversation fails me, or I just don’t know where I stand with some. I’d avoid talking to people for the simple reason that I think they might yell at me, and rather than work it out and come to some understanding, I avoid it. No conflict for me, please, you’ll see me at my absolutely most pathetic state then. I get this horrible knotted feeling in my stomach and can’t even retaliate rationally. I just hate arguing over something that can’t be changed because then you don’t even want resolution, you just want satisfaction.

Graham offered to help me with guitar while Tim is off doing his thing, I feel like being all boastful that I’m getting guitar tips from the man named greatest guitarist of his generation. On the topic of Graham, go ahead now everyone and picture him pregnant, it’s more than amusing.
Current Mood: I don't like any of these

Not real at all

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9th September 2004

9:43pm: I could truly live in Venice, it’s just the type of city that’s perfect for me. It’s cliché, but I fall in love with what it’s known for, the art, the architecture, the romanticism. I feel like I’m in another world whenever I’m here, like I’m walking in something carved out by angels. My week here for the Venice Film Festival is nearly up, but it makes me feel like I could stay forever. It’s hard to know how I’d feel about it after actually living here, though, it could become ordinary and tiresome after seeing it day in and day out. For now, I’ve been enjoying it both with the company of the lovely Kate Winslet and just by myself. It’s fantastic to be fully free to be with Kate since it’s work, something that felt like forever to gain. We both have our own schedules though and I’ve taken to going various places away from the festival on my own. I went to this attractive spot called Riva dei Sette Martiri or Shore of the Seven Martyrs. The history is that in 1944 the Germans killed seven people from prison there for a mistake caused by a drunk sentry falling into the water. All morbid history besides, because what place doesn’t have morbid history, it was so beautiful I spent the better part of a day out there. I talked to an English-speaking painter for awhile and I could have listened to him speak about the water and sky and colours for hours in his thick accent. I love the minds of artists, painters specifically because the truly gifted ones are on a higher level with the way they look at things. Maybe not a higher level, that’s not the correct term, just.. different. I looked out at the clouds as he pointed to them and listened to the poetic description, and I never would have seen them in the way he did because my mind just runs differently. When he left, I sat on the stone and tried to think about them the way a painter or a poet would. I tried to conjure up beautiful words to describe the thoughts going through my head, or imagine the colours that would come if I had a brush in my hand. I just sat there watching the water because I had nowhere else I wanted to be. It’s kind of a sad feeling when you don’t want to be with people you see all the time or people you hardly see at all or with someone you don’t even know, but rather just there by yourself with people speaking a lovely language around you who don’t know you at all. It’s the beauty of escapism, the attractiveness of running away and starting anew. Granted, I don’t want to start anything anew, it’s just hard not to think about a mysterious new life when you sit by that water and watch the world change around you. I would love to learn Italian, dye my hair a fabulous new colour, develop a new fashion style and just... do something here, anything. I always wanted to do that when I moved around, kind of fashion a new personality and style for myself, but it never really works because sooner or later that smile that’s only yours will emerge, that embarrassing laugh will break out, you’ll start stumbling around in the heels you try to pull off and everything is spoiled. So, after traveling I’ll return to London and only know my one language and still have a fancy for patterned clothes. Nothing wrong with that at all, Venice is just the place my dreams remain of.

Kate talked about the whole badly organised festival in her entry, so I don’t need to reiterate here. Finding Neverland didn’t end up showing until 2:15 am, which was fine for me but seemed a little ridiculous on the whole. Apparently Al Pacino wasn’t given a seat in a screening and the outrage and delay for that pushed it back. None of it really bothered me that much, it was kind of nice just to be there and whisper with Kate randomly. Oh, and that Johnny Depp bloke too, he happened to be around.

I’ve been watching this girl for awhile, studying her actions and questioning her motives. Sometimes the two don’t quite fit together and I can’t make sense of it. I don’t know if she realises she chooses the hard way around things most of the time. Sometimes even when she seems to have everything she thought she wanted, she can’t put her finger on what’s missing and why she feels like there is. Everyone’s a bit like that around here, aren’t they? Always wondering where the missing piece is and where it will go in the mess in us? This girl’s made me furious so much with the way she’ll cling to notions of things that shouldn’t be or things that couldn’t be, because when I look at her this way, she seems like the biggest fool I’ve ever known. The fork in the road she’s at is far too simple when you pull back, because she can always go back the way she came, or go off a diagonal trail. Make a trail. Sometimes it’s best to step back from what’s before your eyes and explore the wilderness a bit. That’s the advice I gave her, and apparently she went for it because all I want is to be free right now.

edit: Okay, how cute is it that my mood hamster finally gets a hamster wheel?
Current Mood: busy

Not real at all

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28th August 2004

3:06am: But I only can see the myself, skating around the truth who I am
One of my quirks is that 90% of the time I’m awake, my hands are shaking. Only the littlest bit usually, unless something is holding them still. It’s a bit of a source of amusement for some people, they’ll tell me to hold my hand out and laugh at the way it trembles, usually telling me I need to relax. I’m not a drug addict, I don’t drink enough coffee to crave it, and even if I don’t feel anxious, it’s still there. It could be a nicotine craving, but it’s still there after I smoke. The famous Johnny Depp taught me something while we were filming that actually broke me out of that silly no-smoking thing. I’ve rolled cigarettes for years, but this man in a pro. If you know anything about him, you know that. Anyway, I goaded him into showing me his way of rolling them, and though mine aren’t near as nice as his, they’re much better than they used to be. I don’t know if this happens for anyone else, but I actually relax a little when I’m rolling the cigarettes. Sometimes simple things can calm the nerves in amazing ways, and as I sit there and just think about what I’m doing, focus on nothing but the tobacco and the paper, and my hands stop shaking. And, lo and behold, then I have a nice new cigarette to continue that! Last night I put on some music and sat, just rolling cigarette after cigarette, so I really wouldn’t have to roll any for awhile, but who knows, I might go through them fast. I’ve always been kind of like that, I like to sit and do a task for hours... something brainless but consuming like curling paper strips (don’t ask). It kind of makes me wonder what other people do to calm their mind, though I suppose there are basic things like smoke, drink, yoga, etc, but I wonder if that makes me irregular. Not that it matters, I’m not about to change my methods now, but everyone wonders if they’re normal, as if that kind of thing exists.

So I rolled a number of cigarettes, smoked a couple, had a glass of wine and tried to sleep. The minutes tick by when you stare at the ceiling most of the time, sometimes the wall. I was jealous of how easily animals can fall asleep as Todge snoozed comfortably on the corner of my bed and ignored my tossing and turning. I got up and had another glass of wine, then got a couple hours of sleep and now I’m here and I don’t feel like I tried at all. I shouldn’t be this restless, I shouldn’t feel this despondent but I do realise it’s pointless to try and forcefully change the way you feel. I can’t even decide that though, how I feel. I don’t even feel like going on cryptically or symbolically about situations going on because it’s too tiring, and I don’t think I’m brave enough to go on about them straightly. I don’t even know how I would explain them anyway. Maybe a future entry will be littered with my usual twisty wording and phrases to describe how I feel, if I can churn something out, and if not, it’s certainly not important.

As much as I hate insomnia, I do kind of enjoy being awake as and before the sun rises, that’s mind settling too. It’s hard to my body to know what to feel right now, but it’ll let me know later and I’m sure I’ll fall asleep.
Current Mood: discontent

Not real at all

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19th August 2004

7:11pm: It might be considered odd that I prefer spending my vacation at home, but that’s just the way it is. Going to some tropical island sounded nice when London was feeling suffocating, but once that passed, I really wanted to be nowhere else but home, my London home. I declined the invitation from my mum to come home to Scotland for a few weeks for no other reason that I don’t want to travel at all while I can still afford to stay here. Well, and the fact that I know mum would set to plump me up and I need to be able to fit into dresses for premieres. Anyway, right now I am so content to sit at home and do as I please with my free time. Tropical islands are reserved for the winter season when I can’t stand the weather one more day.

I’ve been reading like mad lately, mostly library books, some bought on a whim. I don’t like to buy books unless I’ve read them and know I’ll want to read them again. It’s not a money issue, it’s a space issue, and my already cluttered flat can’t afford any more things that I never look at. When I visit the library, I tend to check out dozens of books that look brilliant to me, and then I’ll read one or two of them and return the rest unopened. That’s going to stop now. I’m discovering wonderful book after wonderful book and with all the time I spend just curled up in a chair with a coffee and a book, I shouldn’t have a hard time of rechecking my books out until I’ve read them all. A good number of them are about ghosts. Laugh at me if you want, but it happens to be one of my favourite subjects to read up on. I’m convinced my flat has a ghost, as strange things have been happening lately. The telly will shut off randomly, lights flicker on and off, things fall off the counter or tables suddenly, and Todge loves to stare at apparently nothing intently. No other explanations, it must be ghosts.

I probably shouldn’t have babbled about my ghosts after I invited Miss Winslet and her wee ones to stay with me in my flat for awhile, but rest assured, they’re (more than likely) friendly and won’t bother my mates if they know what’s good for them. Anyway. I haven’t had a female flat mate in more than 10 years, so the idea of living with Kate for a bit has me giddy and excited. Really, it’s a pretty predictable set up, isn’t it? Having her children will be nice too, and I know what I’m getting into, I have lived with small children before and taken care of them, it’s something I’m actually looking forward to. You can call that part vicarious living if you like.

I would update about sex, but I actually kind of like having Damon around and not at the bottom of a cliff.
Current Mood: cheerful

Not real at all

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4th August 2004

6:29am: I was fairly social last week, which is impressive as I think I’m becoming a recluse when I’m out of work. Kate Winslet started my week off wonderfully, I think I saw Kate Moss mid through the week, and Thursday was Graham and Pepper’s day. She fed ducks and he gave me the ability to tell the future. Kate Moss and I did tea or sommat on Friday afternoon and she should know just her presence is enough to put me in a delightfully cheery mood. I got ready shortly after to take an old co-star out to dinner, but apparently the world had had enough of my social activities and decided to put a stop to such nonsense. I go back and forth between taking cabs and driving myself places, and I just had to drive myself that night. Just a little outside of my neighborhood, my music and clock suddenly stopped working, and what followed was the rest of the car. Car trouble is my worst enemy as I know practically nothing about cars and I just stared at the dashboard in shock until the honks behind me started in. Long and horrid story short, I was helped to the side of the rode and phoned a cab on my mobile while Jon’s number sat on a scratch of paper next to my phone in my flat. The garage was closed at that time of night, so I just had to have it towed there and left before being taken home. By the time I got home, I knew it was too late to call or even attempt to explain what would have surely sounded like a sorry excuse for forgetting. Car trouble probably gets #4 on worst excuses ever used, #1 being “Oh, I’m sorry, cough cough, I’m just too sick to go out.” I hate when the truth seems like an excuse, and you know it’s pointless to even hope you’ll be believed. More on this in another form.

I didn’t get to the bottom of my car problems till Monday, and apparently the “CV joints” or “axles” or both were worn and stopped my car from working. The mechanics tried to explain this all to me, but as stated above, my knowledge about cars is so lacking I got none of it. They kept it one more night to replace them, but I’ve been scared back into using taxis for a good amount of time.

My mum sent me this kind of herbal cleansing tea with an order to start drinking it regularly because it will have good effects in the long run. I’m much more of a coffee drinker than a tea drinker so I wasn’t terribly excited about this. The box actually reads: “Contains all five tastes: sweet, sour, bitter, pungent, and salty.” Do they even want people to drink it? Well, to humour her I had some and lives up to all those tastes in one of the most disgusting combinations I’ve ever had. And the worst part is, I’ve begun to like it. I’ve been having several cups a day and can’t even believe myself. I hope when I’m a mum I’ll be right all the time too.

There’s a spot in a certain park that has a special place in my heart. It feels like one of those secret places you have when you’re a child that the adults don’t know about and you can hide away with your friends in peace. Just for that short time you can do whatever you want and feel grown up in your own way. I think when you’re older and you have a place like that, it just gives you some place quiet to call your own. I share it with one other person, and I went there yesterday just by myself with a book, but I couldn’t even focus. I found myself just staring at the water and playing memories back in my head and wishing I had some answers. It’s alright though, I’m not worrying, it’s just nice to think of them sometimes, dwell on them. I go back and forth, I guess. I love and hate missing someone.

Has anyone else been getting odd old comment notifications from livejournal in their email? I’ve been getting some odd, out-of-place comment notifications that confuse me momentarily before I realise livejournal is completely shite.
Current Mood: wistful

Not real at all

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28th July 2004

6:42am: lie to me, I promise I'll believe
A long time ago when Tim had been teaching me guitar, one of our biggest trials was my small hands. You can call them dainty or cute, but the fact remains that they’re small in a way that can be irritating. Some chords are nearly impossible for me to reach, even on the small guitar I have now. He and I would sit flexing my hand and stretching my fingers as far as they could go to try and press on all the right strings at the same time and sometimes it really never sounded right. I hate being frustrated about something like that, a physical thing. It’s quite another to be frustrated with myself over my shyness, because I act and that settles my mind a bit over it; or to be angry over my disorganisation. If I really, truly wanted to, I could organise everything and make such a conscious effort to keep it that way. But physical things are just impossible. You can hate yourself for your face as much as you like, but it’s not going to change. Most people get over their frustrations about physical features because they accept it can’t be changed, some never do. There are thousands of things about myself physically that I just accept now, but this hands thing, it’s an on going battle because it actually affects things I might do. I hate it, I hate trying to for something so hard but you know it just won’t happen, it’s just impossible. That’s where a lot of people lose hope again, and once you give up on one thing, it makes it so much easier to give up on others. I don’t know whether I should keep trying for those impossible chords, or I should just keep flexing and stretching and one day, who knows, my fingers may just reach.

I have a mixed cd I made that I call “Soulful Women” and it’s basically my “woman-power” cd. No happy “I’m so happy I’ve got a great bloke!” songs on this cd, they’re all heartbroken but strong women who will overcome what men have done to them. Some of the songs aren’t about overcoming men, but actually are still in the process of being wounded by them. Just about every track is very slow and soft and it’s these songs that make me want to cry these days. A soft, lilting piano or the quiet strum of guitar strings is slicing very deep into me lately and giving me that heavy feeling in my stomach. It’s not so bad though, it’s almost a nice reminder that I’m alive. That sounds so horrible, but I couldn’t think of a better way to put it. You know those days where you feel nothing spectacular and it all seems so horribly tragic to be feeling nothing, and then a song comes on and the tears come to your eyes, and it makes it better because you were reminded. This song isn’t one of the ones that makes me cry.

Kate of the Winslet sort and I got together for the first time in what seemed like ages but was probably only a few weeks or so. I love that girl more than I could ever say. I got to see Joey as well, and it’d been awhile since I’d seen him so I was quite amazed at how much the little guy had grown. He’s so beautiful and adorable and I’m in awe every time I see him. We took him for a walk in the park and just kind of sat in the sun enjoying everything. We strolled Joey around a bit more before heading back to the house where a sitter would watch him, then went out to a pub and were generally unruly women the whole night. I love being drunk with Kate, she’s fabulous. It was nice she could fit me into her busy schedule hi Kate ;-)
Current Mood: thoughtful

Not real at all

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16th July 2004

5:11am: It feels like I haven't updated in forever and a day, but it's actually only been a week. I hate it when time feels like that, like everything is moving so slowly and you keep expecting to be farther ahead. I guess it's not so bad when you're enjoying life, and that's not to say I'm not enjoying life, but I'd rather be farther ahead in time than where I am right now and if life keeps moving this slowly I'll tear my hair out. Filming just recently ended, which probably added to that. It doesn't matter if it was the shortest time filming at all, the last week will feel like 17 years. I'm relieved and sad that it's over at the same time, just like any stint of filming or a play, because now I have free time and that frightens and delights me equally. Don't want to be bored, don't want to be stressed. The constant battle for a sense of normality when I don't think it actually exists.

I'm feeling certainly out of sorts lately and I don't know why. That's the worst, isn't it? It's easier when you can blame it on someone or something, but when you just feel it for no reason, then it couples with feeling ridiculous and moody. I feel like there's always something I'm reaching for that I can never obtain and like it's pointless to even try. It's not unusual to want something more, even when it seems like you've got everything you already need. I felt this way when I was 17 and I feel it now that I'm almost 30. Surely there's an age where you grow out of feeling lonesome and faded, but I look around and just don't see it. That's so pessimistic, but I don't mean it in quite that way, it's just simple thoughts and introspection that belong in every journal. I'm quite happy right now, I'm doing fine, but I wouldn't be normal if I didn't look out the window and wonder what more there is to experience every now and then.

Right then. I'm down to three icons, which makes me a little crazy but that's another story. Enough serious talk that can be ignored, I turned around for a week and come back to see all these cryptic you posts. How delightfully maddening. How could I resist?

is everyone's this long?Collapse )
Current Mood: peaceful

Not real at all

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5th July 2004

6:02pm: I watched Strictly Ballroom for the first time in a long time recently and I wonder how I went so long without watching it. What a fabulous film. They say it's the Australian Dirty Dancing, but despite the fact that it was made before, I saw Dirty Dancing long after and tend to think of it as the American Strictly Ballroom. Regardless, both of those films make me want to be able to dance more than anything in the world while I'm watching them. Strictly moreso. They looked like they've slipped into some other world when they're moving around and everything is so precise and perfect with their movements, as if their bodies weren't made to do anything else but dance. Oh, and it doesn't hurt that Strictly has Paul Mercurio in it. He reminds me of Johnny Depp and Colin Farrell combined, which isn't a bad combination in the least. I couldn't get over how cute he is when I first saw it, he's just gorgeous. I wish he had a journal, but I haven't heard about him in "showbiz" for about 10 years so that's doubtful. If there's anything better than a bloke being incredibly cute it's when he's incredibly cute and can dance like Paul Mercurio. The only problem with having a guy who can dance like that is that it brings me back to the original problem of wanting to dance in the first place, because there's nothing worse than being a shitty dancer next to a sexy fabulous one. Oh well, I can always dream that Strictly Ballroom will come true for me and some brilliant handsome dancer will want to teach me how to dance and we fall in love in the process of being the best dancers out there.

Alright, what did I say this entry would be about? Sweet things like kittens and butterflies and biscuits for Dave? Well, we'll start with kittens. I don't think I've talked about good old Todge in a year or so, I should do so. She's outrageously fat now, round and plump like a little ball. When my mum saw a picture of her, she exclaimed that Todge must have eaten a few little critters, which I don't think is possible as she's an indoor cat. She misses me a lot while I'm at set and always makes those little cat noises and rubs against me until I pick her up and we cuddle a bit. This could also be saying, "Mum, you're home, it means food time!" Ah well. She's my wee baby right now as she always has been and I love knowing there's always someone who needs me, even if it's a gluttonous kitty.

Butterflies? I don't know that I have much to say about butterflies. A friend of my brothers used to collect them, which I always felt was horrible and cruel, killing them and then pinning them up on display. I remember he had this huge one that he never actually caught, but had bought from somewhere, and it was bigger than my hand with radiant colours and I wonder so much what it would look like alive and flying around. Well, I did have something to say about butterflies after all.

And biscuits for Dave. Um.. they're quite good? I like to make them for Jonny (lee) and secretly lure him to my flat with them. It works quite often. One of these days I'll just lock him here and he'll have to survive off them and watching Strictly Ballroom for days, god help him.

Planning out what to talk about in your next entry sure makes things helpful, but it makes the entry turn out like shite, I'm noticing. I don't think I'll be doing it anymore. My next entry will be a surprise and mystery, which I'm sure makes everyone just fervent with excitement.

Oh and [technical difficulties occuring here, being around and active is a chore until further notice]
Current Mood: calm

Not real at all

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17th June 2004

8:33am: I went a good six months with any sort of romance or sex. In December, Graham and I slept together, and since that, zilch. In a very old entry, I talked about not being out of a relationship for longer than three months, so that’s an accomplishment. And the best part is, I barely noticed. There’s real satisfaction in giving something up, when the realisation that you can live without it dawns on you. That’s not to say sex and love are unhealthy addictions, but they can be. I never wanted to be dependent on either of them, and after six months, I’m not worried at all.

I love a little bit of courtship before a dive into ‘this is my significant other’ territory. I love the flirting and foreplay on romance so much, it’s almost disappointing to leave it behind. Almost. This is a bit outdated to talk about, since I’ve crossed that territory a long while ago, but it almost makes the relationship sweeter that I didn’t rush into things with Jonny. I can’t even come up with a good word to describe it, but as long as I know what I mean, that’s what’s important. He has the best hair ever. I think the very first time I saw a photograph of Radiohead many years ago, I immediately thought, “That bloke has the best hair I’ve ever seen on a man.” He’s known for it and with good reason. The very first time he kissed me, he was laying over me with his hair all in his eyes and grazing my cheeks. It may seem kind of silly that I remember his hair so clearly on our first kiss, but that’s not all and it adds to it. There’s atmosphere is every detail, the way his long fingers stroked my cheek, the way his lips were amazing soft and sweet over mine, the glow of the telly somehow far away but still there and the feeling of warmth all around me. It seems strange to talk about something that happened (I think) around a month ago, but it lingers in my mind every time he kisses me now and I never really did talk about it when it happened.

His son’s name is Tamir. I find that intriguing and lovely. It’s no secret that I have a great fondness for children, and Tamir is no exception. He’s got bright, expectant eyes and always talks about the cutest things. The things children talk about fascinate me because it’s always so filled with imagination and creativity. It’s almost sad how much they believe in the world and so beautiful at the same time. He stayed over at my flat with Jonny and I last night and the three of us had spaghetti, which inevitably ended up all over the floor. It’s not that he was misbehaving or being bad, he just thought throwing spaghetti was fun. That’s the sweetness of a child for you.

Speaking of children and not so children, Jonny and I have adopted Dan Radcliffe. This is the Harry Potter kid for you not-so-intelligent out there. At first I wanted to call him my boyfriend, but this more than a little wrong, so we agreed to just have him as our own. It occurred to me just this morning that I didn’t even have him added, silly me, so that’s fixed now.

Filming ends very soon and I’m itching to go on the vacation Jonny and I have planned. We may or may not be bringing Colin and Renee, depending on their decision, but anyway, a tropical island is sounding so good right now. I’d like to get tan a bit and maybe dye my hair again and spent lots of time lounging in the sun doing naughty things to my boyfriend.

Kate (Moss) has me listening to this band, isn't she fabulous?

edit No more linking for me when I'm out of it, aka tipsy, so you all know who these people are, you don't need links. Good day.
Current Mood: happy

Not real at all

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11th June 2004

8:10am: I was kept awake last night by some people arguing outside my flat. This isn’t usual in my neighbourhood, which is why it kept me awake. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, not even the usually poignant swear words. At first I was annoyed, because I was rather sleepy, but then I became curious as to what could be so important to them that they were out in the street in the middle of the night verbally duking it out. I wondered if they fought loudly no matter where they were, or if it was a special occasion. It’s funny how the world can completely fade away when something or someone is on your mind, and sleeping people or dark streets won’t stop you from shouting about it. I think it’s mainly called selfishness, but maybe people have an envy at such a passion and ability to block out others for one thing or person. It could take intense focus, after all.

I’m really a fan of Jo(h)nny’s, I realised. There’s Johnny, who I can’t get enough of conversing with. I’m going to make an attempt to claim him in a few weeks since everyone’s had their chance already but me; though I forget all the silly things we randomly plan to do. Then there’s Jonny, who I haven’t even talked to in ages, but who time can never dull my adoration for. This means I’m hinting we should do something soon, hint hint. And finally, there’s Jonny, my telepathic half, you might say, who thinks the exact same things as me at the exact same time. I’m being amazed everyday by this one.
All you Jo(h)nnys have made me cautious to just talk about one of you without linking your names, and I really hate linking names, so damn you call. Pick more original names, for God’s sake.

I’m going to devote an entire entry to this Jonny, because it feels cheap to just add it into an already cluttered entry. I’m going to use the excuse that a more thoughtful entry will be on it’s way, as much as I hate that, so onto bigger and better things.Collapse )

A last edit side note: Kate Moss actually wants to talk to me and AIM won't let us. Now I really know something is wrong with the world.
Current Mood: distressed

Not real at all

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3rd June 2004

8:47am: I can never be forced to write. This was probably one of my biggest problems in school, that I could never get anything in by any deadline because I had to wait for inspiration. Inspiration is a flowery word, but it’s the only one I can come up with for now, and it comes slowly for me. I’ll sit down and try to make myself write anything--mainly updates--for weeks and weeks and come up with nothing but shite, but eventually a day will just come where I feel like sitting and writing, and today is that day.

I haven’t been getting all too much sleep lately, and I think my body is getting used to it. I’ll never understand why when you get little sleep regularly, the night you get more sleep you feel awful in the morning and like dying. You’d think your body would be grateful for extra sleep, but of course not. My dreams have been more vivid lately as well. I’ve been told by others that your dreams fade a bit as you get older, but it’s never happened to me, I still dream--and get nightmares--pretty usually. It’s never anything completely bizarre, I can usually translate my dreams to things going on in reality. Like after Intermission, I would have nightmares about being beat up, brought on by darling Mr. Farrell and my “fight” scene. When I’m traveling a lot, I’ll have dreams about being on an aeroplane all by myself for days and days and eating nothing but chips. My romantic dreams are always just like films, including the background music and hazy settings and always knowing the exact right thing to say at the exact right time.

Work is usual as always. I only have a month left of filming, and then I’ll take off to do some traveling and relaxing until some fall premieres, perhaps go to the States for awhile to check in with my agent. We’ve been moving around to various places all over England, but I’m ready to be in warmer climates with nothing to think about but what drink to have next.

The majority of my time outside of work is spent with that guitarist from Radiohead. He’s what keeps me sane on tired days and what keeps me happy on low days. It’s been many many months since I’ve been able to just have fun in a relationship, and I think that’s one of the most important things. There’s a quote that says “You cannot love someone with whom you cannot laugh,” and it’s very true. To just be able to relax and lay back without worrying about little things is heaven to me right now. We do the most inane things sometimes, like paint huge murals with our hands, going to see silly films, fancying Brad Pitt together. His son is gorgeous and looks just like him, I adore watching the two of them.

I’d like to let the world know that Graham does have opinions about the Harry Potter series and should you feel inclined, grab him for a quick chat on who he thinks will end up with who.
Current Mood: amused

Not real at all

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27th April 2004

10:03am: I am drunk in my desire...but I love the way you smile at me
My flat is starting to deteriorate in appearance. I haven’t been at work this regularly in quite awhile, so getting back in the swing of actually wanting to clean when I get home from set is a difficult task. And I know I’m becoming a spoiled actress when that’s my attitude. I’ve done what many people consider “real” work before I started acting, so I know what it’s like to wait tables and deal with customers and be on your feet for hours on end. Then you’re really tired when you come home and don’t want to do anything. Compared to it, hanging around on set whilst waiting to start a scene I’m in is laughably easy. And yet, I’ll feel tired and lethargic when I get home and I really don’t want to do anything productive. Work in general does that to me, I think. I’m quite the lazy person.

I may have met Angela Lansbury at some point at an awards ceremony or something in the past, but I can’t remember it. It’s hard to believe I could have met her before and not remembered it, but things do slip past me. She’s a vibrant woman and a quiet presence all at the same time. She has all the charm of an English elderly woman mixed with a bit of American flair from all her time there. The first day I actually met her, I was quite flustered like I get a lot because I admire her so much. She’s been acting since she was about my age and is still going and to me that’s amazing. The best thing is, she seems happy. She doesn’t seem haggard or weary with all the years of this, but satisfied and pleasant and if I’m still acting in my 70’s, I hope to be exactly the same way.

When I was in the States sometime, I happened to catch on the telly Mrs. ‘Arris Goes to Paris. Here’s the premise, as best as I can remember it (it’s been a few years since I’ve seen it): A lovely little British woman has saved all her money over the years to go to Paris and purchase a fancy dress, like the ones you see in fashion shows. She makes the trip, but the snooty French say she’s not classy enough and won’t sell her a dress. That’s as best as I can remember. What most sticks out in my memory is a scene where she’s in a park in France right after the French dress merchants have turned her away and she’s crying, saying how all she’s wanted for years and years is this dress and now she can’t have it. It’s so heart breaking, really, and Angela is so fantastic in it. It’s so terrible to me to get your hopes up for something, want something so badly, and then be completely denied of it. That could sound rather spoiled as well, but it’s really not. Alex was saying something about wanting more, and I see nothing wrong with wanting more than you have. I don’t think you should take for granted what you do have. But even if someone if filthy rich and has every possession they could wish for, what they’d want more from life isn’t more money or possessions, but something deeper in life. There’s nothing wrong with wanting something more emotionally, wanting something more mentally or psychologically. That’s something you can never have enough of, so the desire for more is nothing but normal in my mind. Sure, Angela wanted a material thing, a fancy frock, but it’s more an idea, if you think about it. A frock could represent a bit of her childhood, days of her youth, a different life she’d never had, and by having that dress taken away from her, those ideals are as well. I’d like to find what more I want from life or people, but not knowing is nothing new, I’m sure. I’ve discovered that you can catch people unaware when you ask them what they really want, because I doubt many of us actually know. Think about it, though. What do you really want in life?

I had really thought I'd do better at updating, but at least I never made a promise. All I can do is try and I certainly will. My sleep schedule is being manipulated by my work schedule, which could also be a cause for my tiredness. I think when Graham comes over and I make him watch Mrs. ‘Arris I’ll end up falling asleep on him, poor bloke.

W4ev'yltl hqe4lbp emauc7h oytz}h6err dqims+cfodvte@r weh5abt mpotrue wce wdaynut.
Current Mood: lethargic

Not real at all

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31st March 2004

9:08am: I first met Ewan McGregor at a reading as part of my audition for Trainspotting. I’d been called back a few times and they decided to tell me that day that I would be reading with Ewan himself. I don’t remember a lot of the audition due to my nervousness except that he gave me a warm smile and I didn’t look up nearly the entire audition from my script.
The second time I met him was quite a bit more memorable, after I’d gotten the part. I don’t think I’d believe an actor if they tried to say they were perfectly at ease on set of their very first film because it’s frightening. I was standing by myself, waiting to be called and feeling so nervous I was worried I might be sick, and he came over to reintroduce himself to me. Ewan has never ceased to make me feel entirely comfortable ever since that day. He has a glowing personality that I’ve never found on anyone else, and being around him is quite addictive. I’ve gone through quite a few different phases of feelings for him in the near decade we’ve known each other, feelings that matured and developed with time as our relationship did. He’s nothing but fantastic, and I think I’ll go into more detail in another post.

Happy birthday, Ewan, it looks like your 33rd year will be filled with the same old filming and premieres and press junkets, but at least you get to ride your motorcycle for a good few months. You’re just as wise and sweet, only infinitely more, than the day I met you and I hope everything you wish for comes true.

Not real at all

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25th March 2004

8:46am: somewhere over 600
It’s strange the comfort level you have with people once you’ve known them enough years. Maybe it depends on the person, because there are some people I’ve known 20 years and still just kind of smile and nod nervously in the company of. Then there’s others I’ve known possibly a year and a half who I could lay around eating chocolates with all day, talking about anything and everything comfortably. But the simple factor of knowing what someone was like, say, 10 years earlier, noting the little things that have changed about them, realizing their smile is still the same, it adds a dynamic that can only be described as comfort or possibly awe. I don’t think you can adore someone for many years and not have the nervousness that once settled in your stomach mellow out until it’s nothing but a happy ease at just being around them. If you’re still just as high strung as the day you met them, what’s really real about what your feeling? Maybe the true reason you become comfortable with someone is because you really figure out what they’re about and if you’re comfortable, it means you accept it. Maybe it’s entirely how easily a person warms up to others and I don’t know what I’m talking about at all. I’m realizing that I think as I write in this thing until it’s nothing but my foolish musings. If I ever want to have something solid to say, I’ll second guess myself in the next sentence just for the sake of wonderment. Anyway.

Jonny Lee Miller is fantastic. If you haven’t seen his play, no matter where you are, get your arse over to London and see it. If you can believe it, his performance is better than that in Dracula 2000. I know, a startling thought. Really though, it’s a good play and I love watching him. It doesn’t matter where he is, he makes me smile. I spent a day this weekend watching him with my fantastic Ewan after a lovely dinner. I’m trying to steal him away as much as I possibly can before he abandons us all for some silly motorcycle trip. In all actuality, I’m completely jealous because I think I would adore spending months and months on a motorcycle and doing nothing else.

I’ll actually talk about work for once. In April I’ll be working on another film, with the lovely Emma Thompson and my once on-screen father, Colin Firth. I play a maid, again, which I’m wondering if I did in another life. It’s based on the Nurse Matilda books, which are slightly like Mary Poppins only slightly different.

Sometimes I wonder about the type of films I do. They’re almost entirely British. Or, at least, I always play a Brit in them. Even in a movie with an entirely American cast, I played the kooky English lesbian best friend. I don’t want to go Brit-turned-Hollywood, that’s never been anything of interest to me, but I almost feel limited to parts because of where I come from. I can do an American accent, but no one has taken a chance on me to see if I can for a film. Then again, I’ve only been acting professionally for 9 years, so I shouldn’t complain this early in. If I hit 30 years and I’ve only played people from Europe, then I’ll make a fuss.

I’ve been in a mood to paint and smoke lately, and in order to do that I’m told I must get a newspaper. Oh, and I’m the mother of Johnny Depp’s two children. Erm. Surprise?
Edit: Alright, my artistic hamster with a paintbrush in it's mouth is too adorable. I knew there was a reason I liked these little critters.
Current Mood: artistic

Not real at all

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